I Got Stuck In The Rain

I resumed my daily morning walk when I arrived in Providence.  It has been a practice I have loved to do each day but allowed distractions like heatwaves prevent me from pursuing it.

Here in Providence, there is a nearby park that sits in front of The Armory, a castle-like structure in my neighborhood that I love to look it, especially when the sun is setting.

My intention is to walk around it at least three times which I think might get me to about two miles each day.  I haven't confirmed that distance but it is the one I'm going with at this point.  On my walks, I see the same people each morning.  We wave and smile when we pass each other on our morning walks at the park.

We've been experiencing some delightful rainy weather over the past 24+ hours. Today, I chose to go on my walk without my umbrella.  I decided to risk the chance of rain.  Well, it rained and it rained a lot.

There were only a few people walking about and they remembered their umbrellas (except for the jogging mom but that wasn't a surprise because she clearly is fearless running around the park while pushing the baby in the stroller).  Since I didn't bring my umbrella, I stood under a tree hoping the downpour would pass.

Not the case, I'm afraid, so I did the only thing I could do: walked in the rain.  I gotta say, it was delightful.  I got thinking, when was the last time I strolled in a downpour?  I could not recall such an experience, even living in Puddletown, USA.

Just as I turned the corner of my street, the sun came out.  The sky filled with blue and white brilliance.  Go figure. As the old Nordic saying goes, "Clouds move."  They sure did.

Put A Cow On It

Recently, I was reminded of an interesting incident that happened quite a few years back.  I was in staff meeting at KBOO Community Radio and one of my colleagues called me a ‘bossy cow’.  My immediate response was, ‘who are you calling a cow?’ and following that meeting, I started to feel bad but then I turned that experience on its head by taking it in a different direction.

I was the station manager at the time and each month, I would prepare a little summary of what was happening the station for the monthly program guide.  Well, I decided to give myself a new title:  Princess Bossy Cow.  Another colleague joined in on poking fun at the insult by creating a logo and many more folks over gifted me with unusual gifts that had some kind of cow motif. 

Of course, that was not the first time I was told about one of my most “endearing” qualities. And, just this past week, I was told by another colleague, that I sounded bossy in my emails and she suggested that I might want to put things as questions instead of statements to stop sounding bossy.  My bossiness (aka directness) hadn’t gone away and people were, yet again, taking issue with it.

Sharing the experience on Facebook offered a variety of opinions and it was interesting to read the posts supporting and contesting the ‘suggestion’:

“I’d say it’s great that someone would bother to share that kind of concern with a colleague. Whether she’s right or not isn’t so much the issue….”

“You are not bossy, you are a leader.”

“It is a double standard and that it was a woman telling you this is disappointing. You should ask this colleague if she would make the same suggestion to a male colleague…

“I do better in the workplace when using a more feminine communication style, in writing and in person. But it makes me die a little inside…”

And, it got me to thinking: I am now on a new adventure.  A big one at that.  I moved across the country and have a brand spanking new clean slate to work with.  I can be anyone I choose to be, possibly even be less direct to make new friends.

Well, I think I will stick with who I am.

There’s always going to be a name to put on women like me – whether it be ‘bitch’, ‘bossy’, ‘nasty woman’ or an assortment of other labels that I prefer not to put in this post.  What if, instead, I push through it and turn THIS incident on its head and do something fun and clever with it. I’ll get back to you on that but this blog post is a good start. And, maybe, just maybe, the people on this planet will finally stop equating ‘direct woman as not being nice’ and instead say out loud: “Finally!  Someone who gets right to the point.”

So, all you bossy cows out there, let’s hear one big collective shout out of ‘here I am, so deal with it’. Nah, better yet, let’s simply moo.

Home is where the heart is

There's no place like home.

Home is where one starts from.

Home, sweet home.

The best journey takes you home.                  

There's no place like home.

It is has been an interesting transition these past few weeks and spoiler alert:  difficult transitions to boot.

Having Lila with me in Providence helped establish a connection to my new apartment.  Having my art and most of my personal belongings with me also helped me make a connection.  

Then, I kind of fell apart.

As Lila started packing for school, I think the emotional wear and tear got the best of me and my body just shut down.  For twelve hours, I was propped up in my bed dealing with what most likely was a migraine.   As I sat on my bed unable to open my eyes or move, my anxiety started to skyrocket due to panicked thoughts around how I was going to drive 2 1/2 hours to Lila's new school in the next 48 hours.  I felt so alone.  There was no one I could call to set up as a back up plan to take her if I was unable to drive.  I freaked out even more.

 

The next day, I had to work and had to pace myself so I was well enough to make the drive the following day.  That's when I started to cry and asking myself, 'what have I done?!'. I started thinking about the days when Lila wasn't going to be with me and it was going to be just me in a strange city.  I heard the faint voice of reason under the clutter of panic reminding me that I would be just fine but it took some time before I could pay attention to it.

The experience really got me thinking about 'home'.  The whole concept of feeling loved and safe in a space with other people.  As a child, I grew up in a fractured environment broken apart by divorce and a parent who struggled with an undiagnosed mental illness.  I would never call the house we lived in a home, but I did have a safe haven at my paternal grandparents home.  That was where I learned about family, love, and safety.  As I grew up, I continued my search for 'homes' through the families of others and to a certain degree, I would be blessed with respite in other people's places.

I continued my quiet seeking for many years.  I didn't know how to live in one place for very long, moving from apartment to apartment secretly thinking the next one would be 'the one' that would fill that emptiness and longing for a sanctuary where no harm would come my way.  

About a decade ago, those were the most harrowing of days for me as I lived with fear and loss during some tremendously painful times.  The only place I could ever feel safe at that time was my Aunt Susan and Uncle Peter's house in New York. The few times I drove up the lane for visits felt like driving through invisible gates that would lock behind me to keep out the Big Bad World and the reality that was my life experience at that time.  My recent visit was the first one since those days and to be there in different circumstances added more layers of love for the place that is, as far as I'm concerned, the closest thing to a childhood home to me even though I was never there as a kid.  I am blessed to have such a home in my life. Thank you, Aunt Susan and Uncle Peter!

 

Later, I learned that I could create my own home that would be my very own sanctuary. I had the ability and the blessing from The Universe to be able to buy my very first home and over the eight years that we lived there, it became a fortress without any walls.  It was a place I could fill with love and joy.  A place to raise my daughter. A place I could cry in, dance in, and live in.  I dealt with both bouts of depression and bouts of spontaneous celebration in that home.  To leave it was both heartbreaking and necessary in a way.  Thank you, Pardee Street!

So, I headed to an unknown city to create a new home in Rhode Island.  I took my daughter to her new home at her school.  Amidst all the travels, I now sit in yet another 'home' in Pennsylvania.  Whenever I come to this neck of the woods (which will be more often now that I live on the East Coast!), this is where I stay and each time I am here, it is being with family.  I may not have been born or wedded into it, but they are my family.  I am blessed to know them.  They were also here during those harrowing days and without question, opened their space and hearts to me so I could find safety in the storm of living. Thank you, Wendy, Terry, Gillian, Olivia, and Pocono!

I am still navigating some serious uncertainty about what will be my future and then I remind myself that everyone is doing that same dance.  I feel fortunate to know some pretty incredible people who have shared their houses that became my temporary home over the years.  And the lesson I carry with me today is that home is where the heart is; as long as there is love, there is home.

Days 8,9,10....arrival!

Well, I got off that daily blogging practice because I was too dang tired to think and write after a long day of driving.  But, here is my summary of the last few days on the road and our arrival in Providence!

Day 8 - Chicago, IL
We buzzed through Madison, WI which included a visit to WORT community radio.  The staff was very generous to give us a fantastic tour of the station. I had known a few of the veteran radioactivists from back in the day, like Norman Stockwell, and it was a treat to visit with him and the others during our time there.

After our visit, we drove to the Chicago area. We weren't quite in the city but staying at a hotel in Des Plains, just out of the city.  It was hot and humid.  Neither of us was feeling motivated to drive downtown and explore so instead we ate some dinner at a crappy diner and hit the hay.

The next day, we did take the time to take a gander at the gorgeous Lake Michigan on our way to Toledo, OH.  What a stunning sight it was!  It was a gorgeous sunny day so parking was at a premium at each of the small lots we tried to navigate.  We were able to do a quick look-see at what looked like a tropical beach to me. The water was turquoise and the sand was bright white.  There was even a pink house right on the beach!

 

Day 9 - Toledo, OH

Not much to share about this stop except we decided to skip our stay in Erie, PA in order to hightail it to my Aunt Susan and Uncle Peter's home in New York.  It is one of my favorite places on the planet.  There isn't any internet (gasp!) and barely any cell coverage (true!) so there isn't much screen time to suck up your life.  Susan and Peter were marvelous hosts.  This was my first visit in about a decade and I was looking forward to it.  A sweet opportunity to visit with my family and meet their family: Tippie the dog; Rocket, Gallop, and The Devil Cat (that last one has another name, but I can't recall it?). Susan also made us play Monopoly, the card game. I admit it, it was kind of fun. ;-)

 

 

Day 13 - Middletown, NY

After several relaxing days at my aunt and uncle's Shangri La, Liam and I drove east towards our final destination of Rhode Island.  We stayed in a nice hotel for our final night on the road and ate dinner at a nearby Greek diner.  The rain was overwhelming!  We learned that there were several areas on flood alert.  I later heard that Pennsylvania was hit, big time, with all the excessive rain. Yikes.

Day 14 - PROVIDENCE, RI !!!

We arrived in Providence around lunchtime and I met my new landlords for the first time, Michael and Marilyn.  What dolls!  I felt instantly welcome by them and as they gave me a tour of my new home. Marilyn and I spent the night texting one another about all kinds of things and Michael invited us out for a driving tour of the city that included a phenomenal dinner at the Old Canteen in Federal Hill.  Liam and I ate dinner at Julian's, which is a few blocks away from my new place! The following day, we went to my new coffeehouse, Sin, for amazing coffee and fantastic service.

 

I think I'm going to like it here.

TBA: Day 5, 6, 7

Hello, Friends!  The daily drivetime has increased these past few days so I have just enough energy to watch a couple of episodes of "Madam Secretary" before calling it a day. I adore that show and want to be Elizabeth McCord when I grow up. Let me clarify:  I do NOT want to be Secretary of State but her diplomatic skills when dealing with some serious buttheads is inspiring. The character is played by the very talented Tea Leoni and demonstrates how women can really take care of some business when it comes to Really Important Things. Now, I know it all has to do with really good scriptwriting, but that works for me.

We finished our visit to the gorgeous state of Wyoming yesterday and entered South Dakota. I think I made mention of this in my last post, but it is worth sharing again:  if you have a chance to visit Wyoming, do it.  There isn't one dull spot.

The day was full of visits to Devil's Tower, the Crazy Horse Memorial, Mt. Rushmore, and The Badlands.  Devil's Tower was a fantastic experience that included a momma doe and her two little fawns making an appearance on the walking trail. And, when the other tourists weren't talking loudly, you could hear the climbers talking to each other up on the tower. We hit them all in just one day (the sights, not the tourists!) Needless to say that once we arrived in Chamberlain, SD, I was wiped out! We also kept running into groups of Harley Davidson riders who were checking out the annual gathering at Sturgis, SD and an impressive number of them took over the small town outside of Mt. Rushmore!

 

And, get a load of this:  As we were approaching the gate to The Badlands, I wasn't paying attention to my speed.  I think I was doing 80 mph in a 55 mph zone.  It was clear that I was speeding when the nice sheriff pulled me over to write me a ticket but here's the thing - he decided not to give me one.  He took some time to run my license, etc. and then returned to my car to share that he was going to give me a warning.  I threatened to kiss him with that news but quickly rescinded my suggestion for concern he might change his mind.  He actually smiled at the suggestion.  Needless to say, I've been hyper-vigilant in using my cruise control here on out!

We have also been blessed with amazing weather.  It has been sunny or partly cloudy for the most part - not a day of rain (beyond some quick showers driving over the Black Hills).  Each time we started a major ascent, we were always rewarded with a breathtaking view of the next valley below.

I've noticed that people's energy is different.  Not as friendly as I have shared in prior posts.  That may very well be due to my weariness from all this driving and my state of being at the end of the day is thin with patience.  But I did have a nice exchange with the server at The Upper Crust Pizza & Wings joint in South Dakota.  She gave me this refreshing treat that was a lovely way to end the day. The next morning, the gal at the gas station suggested we stop by to see Dignity on our way out of town.  She was a beautiful and stunning farewell to our visit to the small town.

From Travel South Dakota:

The Dignity sculpture is a stunning combination of art and history. Located on a bluff between exits 263 and 265 on Interstate 90 near Chamberlain, the stainless steel, 50-foot-tall statue was specifically designed by sculptor Dale Lamphere to honor the cultures of the Lakota and Dakota people. That’s why he used three Native American models ages 14, 29 and 55 to perfect the face of Dignity.

We arrived safely in Rochester, MN and our accommodations at the Comfort Suites are superb.  The city is the birthplace of the world-renowned Mayo Clinic.  I thoroughly enjoyed the drive through Minnesota due to the vibrant and pristine farmland.  In contrast, the more desolate areas of Wyoming and South Dakota freaked me out a bit with not a soul in sight for stretches of time.

Tomorrow, we head to a place just outside of Chicago and then to Toledo before spending a few blissful days in one of the most important places on the planet to me - my Aunt Susan & Uncle Peter's peaceful farmhouse in New York State.  It is her birthday on Saturday and I can't wait to see her!

Ciao!
Dennise

TBA: Day Four

Liam and I made it to Cody, WY after a marvelous drive through yet another part of Yellowstone Park. We grabbed a bite to eat at a place in Pahaska Tepee, home of Buffalo Bill's historic lodge.

The drive from the exit of the park to Cody was breathtaking.  Our photos couldn't capture the full beauty of what we witnessed, but we did try to do our best to do so...

We arrived at yet another Comfort Inn and this is a nice one with excellent customer service.  We walked around downtown Cody that was filled with a lot of Harley Davidson riders (later we learned that the annual Sturgis gathering is underway, which isn't too far from here).  We first popped into the historic Irma Hotel/Bar for a drinky poo (and spotted some real cowboys in there).  We enjoyed a small pizza at one of the three brewpubs in town before heading back to our comfy hotel room.

I shared a text message exchange with my new landlords, Marilyn & Mike, who are preparing my new apartment for my arrival in ten day's time.  I feel like I am floating in between real life and not quite sure what the heck is going on.  I really, really miss my kid who I haven't seen since early June.  I was writing this morning and got to thinking about Pardee Street.  I won't be returning there and I cried a little bit this morning.  It is all part of the process of letting go and stepping into something new.  It is exciting but it is also a little sad. 

This gypsy life of driving from one hotel to the next has its interesting points but I do miss the comfort of a home. I am so grateful for Liam's tolerance of my chronic need to be in control and we only snapped at each other about four times so far.  He's my best bud and he tolerates my Dennise-ness and I am so very thankful that he is one of the few who can do that and still like me.  

Tomorrow we are off to Gillette, WY.  It will be all about driving.  I have to say, Wyoming is more stunning than I expected and if you can ever get here for a visit, I highly recommend it.  It used to be known as 'no place on earth' and I have to agree. I've never experienced anything like it!

TBA: Day Three

We not only survived staying at a sub-par hotel last night, we were greeted with a spectacular sunrise this morning. I just knew it was a sign of even more good things to come.

OMG: Yellowstone.  It was like driving through a living painting! 

Liam and I arrived at Yellowstone Park today and the visit has been spectacular. Of course, we visited Old Faithful and all of the other geysers that we stopped by were amazing.  I kept gasping and exclaiming to Liam, 'Oh my! Look at THAT ... view/mountain/geyser'.  We are blessed to have such a place to visit.

 

 

We did get stuck in some construction on our way out of the park but heck, nothing beats being stuck in a traffic jam ... in Yellowstone Park, right?  We are staying in Gardiner, MT at a nice hotel with a very helpful innkeeper.  I shared I was seeking a top-notch Cosmopolitan and delicious burger.  He sent us to Iron Horse Bar & Grill that sits on the Yellowstone River.  We were not disappointed.  I enjoyed the STRONGEST cosmo, ever (I admit it - I was a little tipsy) and a bison burger that was out of this world.  I also chatted with a few of the other diners.  What a friendly place.

 

We did have a tiny thunderstorm that lingered but I made it back to the hotel just in the nick of time.  I waited for Liam to catch up (he stopped at the local grocery store to pick up some ice cream) and in the meantime, I chatted with a few bikers who were checking into the hotel, too.

All in all, a good day!