The A Word

Recently, I have had a few conversations with friends and colleagues about new opportunities and those conversations have stirred up some mixed feelings I have about ambition.

One particular conversation came about with regards to a potential professional opportunity that would provide more pay, more challenge, and certainly more stress.  I wasn't sure if it was something to look into and pursue or not.  I decided not to do so and yet, it stays with me.

It has also prompted me to rethink how I see ambition.  Back in my thirties, I was the gal who worked 60 hour work weeks without complaint. I actually thrived on it! Not only was I working all those hours at my job, I was actively volunteering and living a fantastic social life.  How did I do it?

Once I had my daughter, life shifted gears.  Both based on my lead and due to things way out of my control.  Over the past decade, my definition of ambition has changed due to my choices and several life circumstances that packed a few punches.

As I reflect on the past twelve months, I am astonished by how infrequent episodes that would typically cause me to freak out have come up.  Yes, I had that water main break and my oil furnace needed to be replaced. Yes, my sister died. Yes, our country elected a less than dreamy candidate to serve as our president. Yes, our world is filled with chaos and heartbreak.  But thinking about my personal struggles with stress and depression, I would have expected a bit more of a dip.

It didn't happen.

How does this correlate with ambition? I'm feeling the best I have felt in my life since, well, I don't know when. Why wouldn't I be more ambitious since I have the energy? Perhaps I simply don't have the desire for what I thought was important: a high-paying job; fancy clothing; eating out at expensive restaurants. To be honest, those things were not things I actively strived for but thought I should be interested in them. Instead, I work at a relatively stress-free job that I enjoy but doesn't pay what I have typically earned at previous jobs. I also get to develop my consulting business in communications work, something that really energizes me.  I also spend time with the people I love: my daughter and my closest friends.

Earlier this year when my taxes were being prepared by my aunt, she shared that I 'had a REALLY BAD year'.  Well, on paper, it sure did look bad:  I lost my job and it took me most of the year to find a new one.  From that perspective, it did suck.  But I didn't lose my house or car and I paid off my credit card to boot.  I also had marvelous adventures with my kid and with my dear friends.  I had a REALLY GOOD year, come to think of it.  And it wasn't full of ambition outside of learning to find my grit and optimism during some tougher than usual times.

Granted, I don't have the ambition to take on the world 24/7.  Instead, I've reclaimed my optimism that I thought I lost and spend my days in the 'what is' mindset. Perhaps ambition is more about answering the question, 'what if?'.

I made a final decision about that job and decided not to pursue it.  I thought for about a nano-second that in doing so it would fulfill my need for validation that serving in that role meant prestige and would acknowledge me for my abilities as a leader.  Instead, I will look at what I discovered that was underneath that nano-second of thought:  remembering and acknowledging my true abilities as a leader and how I can use those skills in anything I pursue, whether it is running an organization or changing the world.


It is all a matter of perspective.