The In Between-ness of Being

This is day two after Lila left to attend summer camp on the east coast.  She will be there for the next seven weeks or so and then she will have just four weeks before she goes to school.

I miss her already.

This summer departure was quite different from years past because I know that I will only get to see her for two weeks before she heads to her new school and then I won't get to see her until Thanksgiving. She isn't even there yet and I'm already counting down the days.

I've been preparing for my own big move to the East by cleaning out my house filled with eight years of memories. An unprecedented span of time of living in one home for me. Some of the stuff I haven't even looked at since 2010.  Part of me feels relieved to get rid of things but each item has some kind of a memory attached to it and that part of it tears my heart in two.

It is the in between-ness that drives me batty.  Lila is not here but she isn't in school yet.  I am moving but I have to settle my affairs before navigating the path across the country. I haven't given notice at work yet because I'm not 100% sure I am leaving since the move is contingent on selling my home within a defined timeframe.  I will know by mid-July whether or not Portland is stuck with me for another year and I really don't know how I feel about that uncertainty.  I am stuck in the in between-ness of being in one place but almost in another.

There have been moments when I am stopped in my tracks when the voice in my head, very pointedly asks, "What are you doing, Dennise, thinking you can just pick up and move across the country?!?!".  I have had my moments of freaking out and I'm sure those moments are far from over.

I watch my teenage daughter fearlessly stretch herself between childhood and being an adult.  The in between-ness of her growing up is fascinating to watch.  Sometimes she can't bear to let go; other times, she is running towards her own life experiences.

                             

I'm one of those people who needs to know.  I need to know what the outcome will be so I can get on with it.  Do I stay or do I go?  Will I be okay with 'no matter what'?  I don't know.  My gut and my heart think I will be but I need to know!

There are moments of elated excitement about the unknown newness of pursuing this Big Adventure. I talk as if it will happen next week but so much needs to be dealt with before that happens and I also need to find a job, too.

(Yes, what the hell are you thinking, Dennise!?!?)

In conversation with friends and acquaintances, everyone I have spoken with about my plans has been supportive and I am elevated by that kindness and vote of confidence.  But sometimes, secretly, I wish it was sixty days ago and things were back to normal.  Fear is gnawing at my confidence and I won't ignore it because by doing so will only leave it to pursue a sneak attack in the middle of the night when I least expect it. But sometimes, I just want to swim in it because it keeps me from doing what I need to do.

I started meditating once again and if you haven't done the practice, I can't say enough about how centering and helpful it is.  The simple act of just paying attention to your breath and being in the here and now has helped me over a few fearful moments. It has helped me look at my anxiety and doubt square in the eye.

The other thing that can really knock the wind out of fear's sails is joy.  I just tell myself I am happy and before I know it, I am. Of course, I don't ignore those less-than-fun feelings but I don't let them bury me alive.

Part of me wants this to be all finished.  I want to know someone will buy my house and love it as much as I have.  I want to know that my new home will welcome me with open arms and an exciting professional opportunity is waiting for me to claim it as soon as I arrive.  I want to know that I will not be overcome with homesickness for my beloved friends and family who live here in Oregon.  But I know that I cannot know any of this until it happens when it is supposed to happen.

It sucks being in the in between-ness of being, the I-don't-know-what-is-going-to-happen-but-just-keep-believing-in-yourself living.  I don't like not knowing but that is how life flows, baby.  I will continue to daydream about the possibilities of what might happen in Providence, RI.  I will believe that I am capable to do this and adventure is far from over.  I put a wish out to the Universe and it responded back in some magnificent ways.  I will remind myself that it is okay to take a chance like this and that no matter what, the blessings of the experience will only take me to the next fantastic adventure.