The In Between-ness of Being

This is day two after Lila left to attend summer camp on the east coast.  She will be there for the next seven weeks or so and then she will have just four weeks before she goes to school.

I miss her already.

This summer departure was quite different from years past because I know that I will only get to see her for two weeks before she heads to her new school and then I won't get to see her until Thanksgiving. She isn't even there yet and I'm already counting down the days.

I've been preparing for my own big move to the East by cleaning out my house filled with eight years of memories. An unprecedented span of time of living in one home for me. Some of the stuff I haven't even looked at since 2010.  Part of me feels relieved to get rid of things but each item has some kind of a memory attached to it and that part of it tears my heart in two.

It is the in between-ness that drives me batty.  Lila is not here but she isn't in school yet.  I am moving but I have to settle my affairs before navigating the path across the country. I haven't given notice at work yet because I'm not 100% sure I am leaving since the move is contingent on selling my home within a defined timeframe.  I will know by mid-July whether or not Portland is stuck with me for another year and I really don't know how I feel about that uncertainty.  I am stuck in the in between-ness of being in one place but almost in another.

There have been moments when I am stopped in my tracks when the voice in my head, very pointedly asks, "What are you doing, Dennise, thinking you can just pick up and move across the country?!?!".  I have had my moments of freaking out and I'm sure those moments are far from over.

I watch my teenage daughter fearlessly stretch herself between childhood and being an adult.  The in between-ness of her growing up is fascinating to watch.  Sometimes she can't bear to let go; other times, she is running towards her own life experiences.

                             

I'm one of those people who needs to know.  I need to know what the outcome will be so I can get on with it.  Do I stay or do I go?  Will I be okay with 'no matter what'?  I don't know.  My gut and my heart think I will be but I need to know!

There are moments of elated excitement about the unknown newness of pursuing this Big Adventure. I talk as if it will happen next week but so much needs to be dealt with before that happens and I also need to find a job, too.

(Yes, what the hell are you thinking, Dennise!?!?)

In conversation with friends and acquaintances, everyone I have spoken with about my plans has been supportive and I am elevated by that kindness and vote of confidence.  But sometimes, secretly, I wish it was sixty days ago and things were back to normal.  Fear is gnawing at my confidence and I won't ignore it because by doing so will only leave it to pursue a sneak attack in the middle of the night when I least expect it. But sometimes, I just want to swim in it because it keeps me from doing what I need to do.

I started meditating once again and if you haven't done the practice, I can't say enough about how centering and helpful it is.  The simple act of just paying attention to your breath and being in the here and now has helped me over a few fearful moments. It has helped me look at my anxiety and doubt square in the eye.

The other thing that can really knock the wind out of fear's sails is joy.  I just tell myself I am happy and before I know it, I am. Of course, I don't ignore those less-than-fun feelings but I don't let them bury me alive.

Part of me wants this to be all finished.  I want to know someone will buy my house and love it as much as I have.  I want to know that my new home will welcome me with open arms and an exciting professional opportunity is waiting for me to claim it as soon as I arrive.  I want to know that I will not be overcome with homesickness for my beloved friends and family who live here in Oregon.  But I know that I cannot know any of this until it happens when it is supposed to happen.

It sucks being in the in between-ness of being, the I-don't-know-what-is-going-to-happen-but-just-keep-believing-in-yourself living.  I don't like not knowing but that is how life flows, baby.  I will continue to daydream about the possibilities of what might happen in Providence, RI.  I will believe that I am capable to do this and adventure is far from over.  I put a wish out to the Universe and it responded back in some magnificent ways.  I will remind myself that it is okay to take a chance like this and that no matter what, the blessings of the experience will only take me to the next fantastic adventure.

The Next Big Adventure

Eight minutes and 3 weeks ago, I made a final decision about a major life change: I'm moving.  Of course it has been quite the journey up to that moment and I don't recall the exact time the seed of change took root.  But then I spotted the start of a post from November 2017:

Being in one place for a long period of time is not my thing, not my schtick. It is not something I know and it isn't something that feels right to me.

I grew up moving all the time.  We didn't stay anywhere for long and then I grew used to being a mover.  New schools, new homes, new friends.  That last thing did not come so easy, but I do recall making new friends along the way. 

That was then and this is now. I was fortunate to purchase my very first house in 2010 and here I am, seven years later, in the same space.  This is unprecedented and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I started feeling disenchanted with the city that I live in because I felt like Life popped me with a few sucker punches but I survived each one. 

But the city that I swore was my own, felt like an out of date concert ticket.  Living here feels faded and I feel disconnected. 

Of course, the people I call True Friends are my True Family. They are my home.  But how do you reconcile a driving need to leave?  Am I running away or running to?  What is it that I feel is missing and why do I feel like I need to hightail it out of the state that offers up pixie forests and salty ocean air? 

I simply don't know that answer and I think, I believe, that it can be found somewhere else.  But what if I am absolutely wrong?

Wow.  Apparently I have been thinking about this for some time. I've lived in Portland, Oregon for pretty much the past two decades (with a brief stint back in my home state of Pennsylvania). It was a spur of the moment decision to move here and then it became a home where I found my way to politics, activism, and community radio. It is where I became a mother.  It is where I found my voice.

When I moved here in the mid-nineties, it was the original Big Adventure for me, and I have never regretted it for an instance.  Not when I lost my job for the first time or that second time...had my heartbroken countless times...or after some schmuck broke into my house.  No, those things are not pushing me to pursue a change of scenery.  I just don't feel that this is my 'place' any longer and I long for adventure.

I have the privilege to sit in a peaceful backyard and contemplate the option to relocate across the country.  I have the privilege to move to another state because of access to some resources many people don't have. But as I sit in this peaceful moment as Chet Baker shares his musical musings with me, I think about all the changes that are coming based on that decision that I made (now) 10 minutes and 3 weeks ago: I'm moving to Providence, RI as my Next Big Adventure!

My daughter has the opportunity to attend a magnificent school in New York call The Masters School. She will be boarding there as she attends high school.  I am moving back East to be closer to her and selected Rhode Island because, well, I don't know why. I started looking at possible destinations like Richmond, VA and Baltimore, MD but once I discovered PVD, it kept speaking to my spirit of adventure that I thought was long buried.

   

As found on Wikipedia:

Providence is the capital and most populous city of the U.S. state of Rhode Island and is one of the oldest cities in the United States.^[6] It was founded in 1636 by Roger Williams, a Reformed Baptist theologian and religious exile from the Massachusetts Bay Colony. He named the area in honor of "God's merciful Providence" which he believed was responsible for revealing such a haven for him and his followers to settle. The city is situated at the mouth of the Providence River at the head of Narragansett Bay. It is also known as the "Creative Capital" and "PVD". Providence also shares Rhode Island's affinity for coffee, with the most coffee and doughnut shops per capita of any city in the country.^[91] Providence is also reputed to have the highest number of restaurants per capita of major U.S. cities.

I have already connected with some folks who live there (thanks to Deborah, Kelly, and Jackleen!) and hopefully, it is the start of creating a new community of friends.  In the meantime, I take on the huge heartfelt task of packing up my life and it has already proven to be a bit of an emotional ride. However, clearing out things that I no longer use to pass onto someone else to enjoy helps me feel lighter.

I have a lot of work to do.  Not only am I saying goodbye to a former favorite sweater, I am also saying farewell to the nearest and dearest people in my life.  I will be sharing bits of my journey along the way here on my blog and hope to also share stories on The Politics of Living.

Stay tuned.